|
The Luzerne County Prison is:
A. A comedy of errors so hilarious that it makes “Animal House” look like “The Bridges of Madison County.”
B. The most well-run, efficient prison on the face of the planet. Just ask those in charge of it .
C. Another glaring example of what happens when you promise people stuff and they call you on it.
D. All of the above, and then some.
Many Americans may remember Oct. 11, 2003 as the day Pedro Martinez and Don Zimmer were involved in some kind of unruly throwdown in Beantown during the ALCS. I would have remembered that most, except it was the day I sat in the State Police parking lot in Wyoming waiting for word about the escape from the Luzerne County Correctional Facility by accused killer Hugo Selinski. The cunning lady-killer (that means women think he’s handsome) had torn a page from the Keystone Kops Komedy Manual and had used a mattress and bed sheets to scale the wall of the prison and scamper off into the night. At least he didn’t wear a fake mustache. Hugo remained on the lam for several days before missing the jailhouse hijinks so much that he agreed to surrender to authorities, who whisked him off to a lockup run by the state. After this humorous episode, no one at the jail was even spoken to in a loud voice about the humiliation this caused the county in the national press. After all, no one was really harmed by the escape, except for the inmate who attempted to bolt with Selinski.
Fast forward to 2007, the Year of the Debit Card, the number one story on the Luzerne County Hit Parade. One of the FOS (Friends of Skrepenak), Deputy Warden Sam Hyder, became the toast of WILK talk show prep sheet with his hilarious explanations regarding the unfettered use of a county debit card. It was dark in an upscale Vegas hoochie coochie bar when Hyder accidentally paid for a round of drinks with his county debit card instead of his own card. Whoops! Everybody makes mistakes, you know, especially when the joint is jiggling. Hyder’s defenders, many of them burly prison guards, were quick to circle the wagons for their beloved boss. Faster than you could say “Secret Service,” an investigation was opened into the situation. However, two characters named Barack and Hillary have brought the investigation to a grinding halt because the Secret Service has to do more than just keep an eye on county workers.
Enter the latest sad chapter over at Heartburn Hotel. This week, the local newspapers have been dogging those poor buggers over at the jail again, this time over some no-bid contracts that were apparently piecemealed out to local “entrepreneurs,” including one who reportedly runs his business out of his house. Yes, you really can’t make this stuff up because normal people in normal counties would grab their pitchforks and defend their tax dollars. In Luzerne County, however, there are a bevy of excuses. The latest comes from the Luzerne County Solicitor, who explains the employee in charge of bidding grocery items retired two years ago, taking the bidding process secret home with him and not telling another soul about how it works. A similar situation happened in our family regarding the “Mystery of the Full Ice Cube Tray,” but we came together as a society concerned about the future generations and learned of the secret from others willing to share it.
So, now the Prison Board has declared a State of Emergency to straighten out the no-bid situation and the DA’s office has been notified about requesting an independent investigation of Buttergate. But wait, there’s more! Among the items purchased for inmates as listed in today’s Citizens’ Voice are foodstuffs including but not limited to: pierogies, Angus burgers and French bread pizzas. Doesn’t Luzerne County know we prefer Freedom Pizzas?
If county government were private industry, someone would have been pink slipped by now. Friendship only goes so far in the real world. |
Rush Limbaugh
